How do I tell my family I am changing holiday traditions?
Holiday season is here-yes, in October! Now is the time to start thinking about and communicating your plans for the upcoming holiday season with family and friends. It is absolutely acceptable to want to change long standing family traditions, because family structure changes, life changes, and we need to adapt. When we value traditions more than the people in our lives, we are bound to push people away and leave them feeling unimportant and disrespected. Whether you are on the receiving end of the conversation of setting new expectations or you are the one introducing new expectations here are a few things to consider.
Timing
I highly recommend you start talking about any changes to holiday plans or traditions now. Communicating early about changes shows respect and allows loved ones time to process the changes and make alternate plans if they would like.
Have a plan and be on the same team
It is essential you know what you are going to say and how you want to say it. Practice it in the car, write it down, explain it to a trusted friend, this is a delicate conversation that deserves your energy and effort. I also strongly recommend that if you have a partner, that you and your partner completely agree on the plan and are on the same team before approaching loved ones about these changes.
What to say
Here are some examples of what types of conversation starters are common when it comes to conversations around holiday boundary setting.
“I wanted to take a moment to share with you changes we plan to make to Christmas morning traditions. Since we have had baby Sue, we now wish to have Christmas morning at home as a family. We are happy to join the family for dinner, but we plan to spend the first part of the day in our home.”
“We want to slow down and enjoy the holiday season this year. In recent years, we have felt rushed because we are driving to multiple events on Thanksgiving. This year we have decided to attend only one Thanksgiving event.”
“We have decided to spend Christmas at home this year. We know this can be disappointing, but we feel this is best for our family. Can we discuss choosing another time to get together as a family?”
“I’d like us to focus less on how much we spend and more on the time we spend together. Could we set a gift budget this year?”
“I’ve realized that having some downtime is important for me this year. I am planning to take a vacation over thanksgiving and will be traveling this year. My plan is to return to Thanksgiving again next year, like usual.”
“It is so clear to me how much you love my children and I truly appreciate that. I know that one way you show your love is through Christmas presents. We are asking that this year instead of toys, you could consider other present ideas for the children. We are currently overwhelmed with toys at our home and are in the process of pairing down.”
What to say if you anticipate a negative reaction
“I understand this tradition is important to you, and I respect that. I also need to make a choice that works for me/my family/my children this year.”
“I know this may not be what you hoped for. I care about spending time together, and I’d like us to find another way to connect.”
“It’s okay if we have different feelings about this change. I hope we can make space for both perspectives while respecting the decision.”
I can’t stress this enough: It is okay to change holiday traditions. In fact, it is normal and necessary. If we don’t evolve and set boundaries we will have regrets about holidays and/or be completely overwhelmed by the demand of the season. You can do this and it is worth your time and energy to have these conversations.